biggest fear: INDIFFERENCE

As child I was so sheltered because my grandparents raised me in China, where they were constantly afraid that a minor bump on my arm will lead to aggravating pain of telling my parents back in the US that something is wrong with their daughter. The interesting thing is, it was because of their overwhelming protection, I'm a HUGE wimp!
I fear so many things but the thing I fear the most is indifference. Life is so thoughtless when your response for everything is: I'll do just what it takes to get by. I've realized that I'm constantly indifferent towards everything. You would think that picking a major in college would make you passionate about it, but no I just tolerate it. You think that getting a great internship in a big company would encourage me to have the drive to work harder, but no I just sit in my cubby glaring at the screen wondering when it's 5. It scares me so much that there's nothing that gives me the edge to drive me forward at full speed rather than just cruising along. Back in my freshman days I would have said art because NYU academia simply prevented the artist in me from emerging, so I rebelled and made it work. Now I fear that even art isn't sacred at all. My mom just asked me that I haven't produced a painting since last year. I was shaking so much staring at my empty canvas last night, fearing the worst: I would no longer be able to paint. The fantasical world that I loved when painting would soon escape from me and leave stranded in this horrible reality to which I can only tolerate.
So for the rest of the year, I hope to get some type of drive (no chemicals involved), so that I can be a more dynamic person for myself. It's dooms day when I realized that besides tolerating everything else in the world, I'm tolerating myself as well. (ugh!)